Where I am is in the middle of a great depression. A going of age, or a pre-midlife crisis in an alternate reality.

I have come to realize that the world I inhabit is nothing like the one I imagined as a child, is unrecognizable from the one I hope for as a young man, and now as I am in my late thirties it is one I look at as if experiencing a hallucination. 

"This can not be right?" I say to myself as I examine my surroundings. Homeless men and women in this country of vast wealth. Still? 25% of the worlds incarcerated are jailed in this, the land of the free? Unarmed men, women, and children are gunned down at a rate that must be a mistake, and by the men who are paid by us to protect us. Why? I can not be hearing this correctly, the color of their skin? This is still an issue? That it was is astonishing, but still? Now? With all that we know about who and what we are, how we are all so similar, so alike, almost family, and we still kill our sweet brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters under the bright sunlight for being a slightly different color? Everything I have just said is so fucking worn out, cliche, old news, but if these facts don't bring you to tears every day then we have a problem. And we have a problem. 

And we have a problem.

Maybe, it is just me. I know I have a problem because I don't know if I can stand to look at this world any longer. There are the reasons like my life being a mess and all of that personal stuff, but there is a bigger problem for me. I hate that people tell me all the time to "fuck people! people are assholes and you are just going to get fucked over if you give people the benefit of the doubt. don't worry about helping them, trust me they would not help you." I hate that. What is worse is that 99% of the time they are correct. I get fucked over all of the time. I trust people, believe in them, and always assume that a person is good. I am so wrong, though, and it kills me. I have fucked up my life because I basically believed in Santa Claus. Everything up to this point has been a dream. I thought I could help but now that my world view is destroyed I don't know where to go from here?