For Real, Honestly

I do know, even though it never seems like I do, that all of this, my life/world, is mine. All of my problems are mine. No one owes me anything. The world does not owe me anything. (well two people owe me quite a lot but still) Every aspect of my being which is negative is my doing, my fault, and it is only my actions that can resolve the issues I constantly complain about. I have to solve my problems, live with them, or give up. I don't have to stop mentioning them, and I think I do that because I know how unattractive it is and I really don't want anyone in my life right now. I am not equipped to be a good friend to anyone. I would like to be, but it is going to take some time and a truckload of hard work.

I think of myself as a child, and I remember being this little boy who was so sad, lonely, depressed, awkward, ugly, out of place, and just not right. What got me through those time was day dreaming. I would image what my life would be like in twenty years. I would have my independence. I could do anything I wanted to, and I would be happy. All I had to do was wait. Time was going to take care of me. I was wrong and it is hard. I never thought when I was a boy, that I would  be worse. I let down that boy.

The same feeling happened when I quit drinking. I was convinced that my drinking was my only problem. My boyhood naivety took hold of me and I said to myself, "once I get sober everything will fall into place and I will be happy,". I was wrong, again. Nothing fell into place, my problems did not go away, and I am certainly not happy. Instead, I discovered all of these emotions, feelings, that I did not even know I had. I was so drunk for such a long period of time (twenty years)that I never really got to know myself sober. I had no idea what to do with my new sober feelings. The slightest thing sets me off. I get angry very easily. As a drunk nothing bothered me unless I was blacked out, but then I , of course, don't remember feeling anything. Odd stuff would make me weep. Like if someone said the name 'Barry Gordy' I would immediately burst into tears. Sitting in a movie theater alone, right after the trailers end and right before the movie starts fills me with a fear I can only describe as being attacked by a shark with my hands cuffed behind the back. That moment is the scariest moment I can imagine. Why? I have no idea. Thinking about it does not scare me, but if I am there I have to run out of the theater before I start screaming. Crossing the street was hard for me for a while. Right after I got sober when I would cross the street I would be overcome with the urge to jump on the hoods of cars at red lights. It was incredibly difficult for me to restrain myself. Driving was bad too. Like Christopher Walken's character in Annie Hall, I had to fight with everything in me to not swerve head-on into oncoming traffic. I made myself sit on my hands and steer with my knees to avoid this. This one is still an issue, but if I make eye contact while talking to a stranger, or someone I just met, my arms tingle, my stomach clenches, and I repeat to myself "don't don't don't don't" with such force that my tongue usually gets cut on my clenched teeth "don't don't punch him in the face if you make eye contact you have to punch him in the face so don't don't don't don't". I avoid, all together, conversations with strangers, and if I get caught in one I immediately look for a place to sit so I can sit on my hands.

I am not joking

I have also, never mentioned any of this stuff before (except to my shrink who I no longer visit). It does not strike me as odd because once it starting happening I created a mantra which I would chant silently and constantly(and I mean constantly like first thing in the morning last thing at night).

mr. mollohan it is no big deal absolutely and with more frequency than you can imagine everyone does this mr. mollohan it is no big deal absolutely and with more frequency than you can imagine everyone does this mr. mollohan it is no big deal absolutely and with more frequency than you can imaging everyone does this mr. mollohan

or

hey, you, I promise this is normal, hey, you, I promise this is normal, hey, you, I promise this is normal, hey you, I promise this is normal, hey, you, I promise this is normal, hey, you , I promise this is normal and there is nothing wrong with you because you are normal 

I also became afraid to look into mirrors. I was afraid that what I would see would be a little boy around 6 or 7. But then I would have to find a mirror to look at in order to convince myself that I was a full grown man and not a 6-year-old boy.


Oh yeah, none of these things happen when I have my camera in my hands. I am absolute, perfectly calm, in control, confident, resolute, and I am strong. With my camera, I am the best me I can be and no matter the day I have had, the trouble I am in, the storm that is inevitably going to crash upon my shore, I am ready with a clear mind to take "it" on, head on.

• without my camera, I gasp for air, jump, frightened by my shadow. I am the 7-year-old bedwetter. the boy with velcro shoes because he has heard that laces are too dangerous.Ii hide around the corner when a microwave is in use. without my camera i need a Dorothy i don't have, the yellow brick road is nowhere in sight, the wizard is nine million feet tall, that witch is going to get me and all monkeys can fly, and i, oh boy, and i do not have my courage •