"you are not going to understand what I am talking about"
Well, you are not. You don't understand much of what I say, feel, dream, want, need, this, that and fart, shit, balls...
"Oh, he's whining, again."
No, I am stating facts in a way that is negative and annoying. Whining is different. Whining is done with weakness and it is normally about something that is of light importance. Well, what I am about to get to is important. In my world it is. Maybe, that is what bothers me, and maybe this will help you understand a bit. You see, I get worked up because no one understands why these things are so important to me. I know I sound like a child when I talk about the importance of me being a photographer. It sounds like a boy going on and on about how he must make it to the NBA, NFL or onto SNL. I am this thing I want, though. I am more than good enough. For the past sixteen years, I have never been put in the position to do the kind of work that a person with my talent should be doing. No work has been handed to me and most of the subjects are not that interesting, but I fucking make them. Do you know how easy it would be for me to get uncanny images from Afganistan, the Ukraine, Thailand, India, Native tribes anywhere, or hell, anywhere where I could say "I am Danny, I am with blah do da magazine, and I am a photographer, I will be here for, well, as long as I need to be in order to get great images, okay?", that would be like something that is very easy for even a person of low intelligence and limited motor functions to achievre. Fuck you, I do street work in Las Vegas when I am not too tired and pissed off from working a menial 10 buck an hour shit show. When I have my camera (when it is not in a pawn shop like it is now) my nights are normally like this, "I could walk around and take photos, I can't afford bus fair so I will have to stay around a three-mile radius, or I could kill myself. Tonight could be the big night. I could end it all now, or I could hope with my camera in hand."
I take the walk, and sometimes I get great shots. I make them. I find them. I catch them. I find beauty here. I don't live in NYC, or Paris, or anywhere that is "beautiful". There as no Las Vegas Street photographers because it is fucking hard.
Think about what I could do if I could afford to travel? Think about what I could do If I HAD MY GEAR OR,
oh yeah, what this was supposed to be about
Why I must have a Leica
Yes, back to what you can't understand.
I do, though. I need a leica digital M. I have to get one as soon as possible. Like so many other aspects of my life, I have to do this which is impossible. I most likely will not get a Leica, just like I won't take photos for a living. I won't travel. I won't be thought of a great, or even a photographer by anyone ever. I will be a guy who is poor, unhappy, and alone. I will probably kill myself. Not anytime soon, but if my life is like this in twenty years, yes, I will most likely off myself. That is not be being sad. Me writing about how I am going to buy a 7k camera not just at some point but soon, Is fucking SAD. It is delusional and that is not even one of the symptoms of my particular mental illness. Oh, the suicide is but not the delusion that I am going to achieve the impossible.
Still, for my work to be the best it can, for me to work the way I need to, for me to get back to the feeling I used to have when shooting film. For me to feel alive, I do need a Leica M. I wish you could understand what that camera would do to me. I would change me. I would give me a reason.
Is it strange that I need a reason to live? I also wish you could step into my skin for a moment. I wish you could feel what it is like to be me, just for a day. You would not say I am whining. You would not say I am feeling sorry for myself. You would grab me and say "I am sorry, I had no idea". I know this because I have felt normal. I have been happy. What I am now, well, it's hard to say. Suicide is not something I would ever do but if I was that kind of person, the way I feel right now is like dying. Not sometimes, but all the time. Right now, in an hour, in five minutes, and when I wake up tomorrow. Most of the time I have a feeling that the darkness will stop. It usually comes it waves, but it has never felt like this. I am not blaming anything, but it started when Jenn died and then got worse when my Dad died, and now worse that I don't have my camera anymore. I don't see any light. I have to take photos. I need to get a Leica. If I don't, the 'me' I know is going to go away. I won't come back. Again, I am not saying that I am going to kill myself because I am not going to do that, but I won't be the same ever again unless I make things happen. That is the important phrase
unless I make things happenfor I need people to know that I am not making excuses and I am not feeling sorry for myself. I know that my life is my responsibility and that I am the only one who can initiate the proper change. It is also extremely fair for me to bitch about this. I need a Leica. I would use one if I had one. I would use it to death. There are rich fucking hobbyist retards who have no idea how to compose an image, who take photos of nothing worth a dick fart, who think of Leica as a fashion accessory, and they have the newest latest greatest neatest with every lens on the planet and don't they all look nice in this huge glass case I had made just to hold my collection of Leica's. Yeah, those people should die. Any of those people could afford to buy me a Leica outfit and pay me a wage to work as their personal photographer and in a week I would make more great images than they or their entire lineage would/could ever take in a million years. Those walking dream stealers could change my life for the better forever with what would be to them only change. As in pocket change.
And damn it I know, I know, that if I was a wealthy person I would make this world better by helping people on an individual basis.but I am poor. I have nothing. There are people whom I know who could easily help me. They could write a check, not blink an eye, never miss a meal because of what they just gave me but no. They have more on their finger right now than I would need to make it through 2020 comfortably (with a Leica). What use does that ring, fuck, what does it do? With a Leica, I could help nonprofits raise money. I could save lives! But your diamond, on your finger, is more important than the lives of people who you walk past every day. Yes, if someone shot you in the face to take that off of your hand I would be sad, but I get it.
I have thought about crime. I can't hurt people, but I could justify stealing. I have thought about robbing a bank. I would get caught. I am shit at getting away with stuff. I can't even, I can't, I can't do anything but this. I work, yes, and I work as much as possible, but it doesn't do anything. Neither does this. It makes me feel better for a bit. It adds some light to my darkness, but it doesn't help. Especially being that once I finish the last word of this I will fall to the ground in a puddle and weep like a baby.
bye.
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